When belief changes
Social media is an amazing thing. On Facebook and Twitter I’ve run into people that if I lived at any point in history past I would have simply never seen or heard from again. So far I’ve reconnected with my third grade teacher, found out that Jason Chesnut married Ann Thames (who saw that coming?) and caught up with people living all over the world.
All this connectivity has an interesting effect on us though, especially for me. You see until now when a person moved half way across the map they were lost to you. If something about them changed dramatically your memory of them was unaffected. Meeting them now can be a little odd as you look into the face you knew in elementary school connected to a 35 year old body. But imagine you run into the guy that baptized you advocating gay marriage. What if you stumble upon the preacher you listened to for 4 or 5 years and his photo albums contain images of him drinking a martini? Or what if you’re the one that used to be the preacher and you open your inbox every day to friendly but persistent stream of emails requesting to know what changed.
I spent ten years as a Southern Baptist minister. Four of those years where in youth ministry, four in pastoring, and two years as a discipleship minister. In those ten years I managed to graduate college, finish about half a masters program, surpass every preaching mentor I could find, get married, have a son, and then divorce.
On April 28, 2003, my 28th birthday, I watched a black Nissan Xterra pull out of a parking lot and drive away with the only life I had ever known. Because of who and what I was there was no separating any part of my life, there was nothing to salvage. I had lived in a glass house for 10 years and when a glass house falls the failure is complete.
I don’t mean to suggest by this description that I have anyone to blame but myself. No divorce is only one person’s fault, however that statement misses the point. I lived by choice for 10 years hiding and manipulating my weaknesses instead of asking for help. It ate away at my soul and destroyed my marriage. It left me broken and alone to live with a calling I could no longer fulfill. There’s an episode of MASH where Hawkeye Pierce (an army doctor for those unfamiliar) stands over a patient on a gurney unable to heal…. unable to save the young man’s life because Pierce’s arms are missing. The scene in the show is a dream, but it happens in real life. It happened to me. But in my situation it was because of my own actions… And it wasn’t a dream.
I wandered home, back to the town I graduated high school from. I refused to preach. For a while I taught Sunday School but it felt dishonest. Not because I didn’t believe but because my beliefs were changing and to be direct most of the people in Sunday School classes are so lost when it comes to religious nuance that they never realized the differences.
The one thing I did have, that I don’t ever remember having before was freedom. I had the freedom to question, to dismantle, and to debate. I was no longer subject to the party line polemics of the church. I was no longer subject to the small handful of untrained theologically inept Christians that seem to inhabit every church with the desire to make intelligent discussion impossible.
There are a thousand stories to tell at this point in my life. Most involving alcohol and the active pursuit of my new freedom, personal not spiritual. There are things I’m not proud of. There are things I will not apologize for. But these things are not the point today.
So maybe you realize that I haven’t answered the question that everyone really asks….. What do you believe now? The answer to that question is only beginning to form . I can tell you that I believe in a god of love and forgiveness, of mercy and grace. I believe that our commandment is to love God and then others and that anything that takes away from that is abject failure. I believe that the Bible has been maligned and skewed to promote the prejudice and hate of a self righteous mob. And I believe that most of the things we believe about the Bible are absolutely false. I believe we’ve created a church so concerned with its own self preservation and glorification that it ignores the plight of people, the discipline of open study, and the narrative of history. As information becomes more and more accessible, the church is becoming more and more anti-intellectual. As the globe continues to shrink, Christians are becoming more and more self contained. What I believe is that the time is coming very soon for a new revolution within Christianity, one that ceases to dogmatically defend and prop up the outdated and useless icons of its dogma and searches to regain the spirit of God for its people. This movement will not be, I hope, a denomination, but a recognition of the need for change across the whole of Christianity and in fact the religions of the world. This is the passion that God is planting in my heart. This is what I believe.
Bravo! I'm in my mid-40s and in the process of shedding so much of what those around me thought I should do/think/be/believe. The sense of freedom is a heady experience but at the same time, the condemnation emanating from family and some friends is palpable.
I've been planning to write a blog post about this very thing. When I do, I will be linking to your well-written post. Thank you for your courage.
Btw, I think we live in the same town.
Wow, Mike! That last paragraph left me floored…bravo and thank you for putting it into words. I think a lot of us are feeling the same way.
You said it perfectly…Christian's seem unable to adapt. And there are some who would argue that truth is truth and it never did change. But I think as we all continue to live, learn, and love that truth is better revealed to us… We've got a long way to go and the solution is *not* to close in and collapse on ourselves.
"anything that detracts…" I like that a lot!
This has given me many things to ponder
AGREED GREAT LINE "I believe that our commandment is to love God and then others and that anything that takes away from that is abject failure."
Thanks for this post. I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially about how your journey has moved you away from the church that was your life.
John Shelby Spong talks a lot about how Christianity must change or go by the wayside. I’m reading Jesus for the Non-religious right now and it’s helping me to reconnect with Christianity.
As one who became a Christian after you lead a Wednesday night youth service – before you ever became a preacher – I want to respond to this post.
First, I want you to know at least one of your converts realizes that it’s not the person, it’s the message. I am eternally thankful that you had the heart and the willingness to do what you did that night…without it, not sure where I’d be…but, that said, I really have no clue what you said that night…to be honest, I don’t even remember you (or anyone else for that matter) being there…it’s as if everything that didn’t matter that night is gone and the only thing that remains is the grace I experienced in that moment. I don’t remember the date or time, but I will never forget the moment – and I’ve never been the same. It’s the message and God working, not the person God uses, that changes a soul. So, regardless of who you are now or what you do, those who came to faith as a result of God’s work through you will remain – if not, they were never there anyway and either way, it’s not to your fault – or your credit. After all, God even used an ass. : )
Second, life is hard. What you’ve been through is hard. People who think you can go through crap (any kind of crap) and come out clean in the end are crazy idiots. I hope that if/when you see me, you don’t feel judged by one of those who might otherwise never have known anything more about you…not that I think you’d really care (which is incredibly good – and part of that freedom I think you refer to).
Finally, I think there’s lots of room for questions and intelligent discussion. Even those closest to Jesus himself were misguided on a regular basis (Jesus was constantly correcting and chastising those who would become the messengers of God’s love and grace – and ultimately martyrs). To believe that we are all so righteous with what we believe and in our actions “for God,” would be one of the most naive things we could think. If those closest to Christ himself were constantly chastised for impatience, greed, intolerance, and so much more, then how on earth (or in heaven – depending on how pious one considers oneself) can we think our actions and reactions and “Well, I believe…” statements are any better or more righteous than those expressed by the twelve, and rebuked by Christ?
I’ve passed the burning of the secular music phase and came out on the other side like you. But having been there, I understand those who are there…and it’s not my job to change them…they’re wrong of course (I think), but that doesn’t make them any worse or better Christians than me. If this were a sin competition, I think most of us would be neck and neck racing towards the stripe – preachers right next to us common folk. And any preacher not trying to hide his or her (yes kids, this member of a Southern Baptist church said “her”) own inadequacies would tell you the same thing.
So it might surprise you to learn that this Baptist bible study teacher actually (probably) agrees with a lot of what you might say on the subject of religion and biblical interpretation – and it has nothing to do with how much you drink now…bottoms up! (Or in your case I suspect, cheers!) (Unless of course, you’ve turned alcohol into an idol…then maybe you should repent instead.)
Good post!
Adam
Thank you all and specifically Adam. I am being shown that while many Evangelicals are stuck in a cycle of condemnation that there are those who’s journey has led them to many similar conclusions without yet requiring them to leave the churches of their upbringing (spiritual and physical).
I am envious that you made it out of your glass house. The freedom seems unimaginable. I still have a lot to learn from you! Thank you for your honesty.
There have been very few people who I have ever been able to really discuss theology with… I think only one in Ada. I’ll buy the first round.
I was disappointed at 15 by my spiritual leaders in a Southern Baptist church. They never explained, and I never looked back. I haven’t thought about it in years, actually. As an adult, most Christians/religious folk I have come in contact have either been walking contradictions or had impossible standards or were just plain ignorant. It hurt my heart because a little part of me always wanted to believe in something, but intellectually I couldn’t stomach it. I guess what I’m getting at is this makes me feel better about it, the prospect of believing, someday.
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